Tonight as I'm reading a little bit of, You Can Farm the Entrepreneur's Guide to Start and Succeed in a Farming Enterprise by Joel Salatin, I find that my mind is drifting toward "the dark side". You know the dark side...the place in your mind full of fear and insecurity. The place that calls to you when you are excited about doing something fun, wonderful, different. No matter how hard you resist, you can not help but walk a little too close to the dark side, so you hear it telling you all the things you are doing wrong. All the reasons why you're crazy or an idiot or how you're going to fail.
If you don't know who Joel Salatin is and you are interested in farming and food, you need to google him. He's very interesting and has very strong and unique opinions on farming. I'm sure I'll be mentioning his writing again, since he is one of the people inspiring us to take the big leap into farm life. He has worked very hard in his life and he has made many sacrifices to live the kind of life he lives. I've only begun reading his book, but in the beginning there was a phrase that really caught my attention:
"...accomplishing your dream is not so much about mechanics and opportunity as it is about character qualities: self-denial, perseverance, commitment, focus." (You Can Farm the Entrepreneur's Guide to Start and Succeed in a Farming Enterprise pg. 4).
I think his statement is true and that is why I think I ended up in the dark side of my mind. Do I have what it takes to be a farmer/farmer's wife? Can I really work hard enough to make this thing a reality? I don't know. I believe I want to, but I also know how I tend to be, especially if there is something I really don't want to do. I tend to be like a grade schooler who is asked to clean his room. I fuss, whine, think of 5 million excuses why I can't, won't, shouldn't have to do the task that is expected. I whimper, get angry, call people names, etc. Typical brat stuff.
If I would not throw a big baby fit and channel that energy doing the task, it would probably take less time to do it than to throw a fit about having to do it. So in the case of shoveling cow poo, how do you think that will go over? It's not like the cows will shovel it themselves and it's not like we're going to have any hired help or anything. So I'll just have to do it. On a regular basis. In all kinds of weather, under all kinds of conditions. Can I do that? Will there somehow be a place in my heart that understands this is one of many things that needs to be done in order to have a farm? Will I be able to focus on a goal and work toward it rather than fill some immediate need to not shovel poo? These are the kinds of things that are weighing on my mind right now. (that and the fact that it's 11:44 pm and I'm hungry. All I want to do is fix some huge snack to eat. This is another area where immediate gratification and keeping my sight on a goal are quite challenging).
The other day my husband mentioned that we should've had more kids if we're going to do farming. I suggested that perhaps he could have brought this up earlier, like 10 years or so. Because it's too late now. In my younger years, I may have been tempted to birth a few more babies, but now I know I was not meant to be the mom of more than two kids. I guess we'll have to find other alternatives to getting our chores done!